Here I am……

Guess what….. I had treatment today!! What a bloomin surprise.

I’ve been missing in action for a number of weeks and realise I worried a few folk. Well you were right to be worried! I hit rock bottom and went 60 feet under and got buried in a big grey heavy cobweb that almost finished me off and not just once.

In a nutshell….I had a good first week in lockdown. Suddenly I started to get some pain. I realised it was radiating from my liver area. I reported it and had a specialist nurse team coming home every few days trying to control the pain. We started on tablets for each possible cause i.e. nerve pain, muscle pain, but couldnt get it under control. I was literally screaming in pain every day for 5 full weeks. I was on 4 or 5 different pain meds and went up to high dose fentanyl patches which they use in the army. I was just having all these damn pills thrown at me and even that I couldnt cope with. Nothing was working.

For a couple of weeks Gurveer was giving me me hourly doses of liquid morphine on a spoon as I couldn’t manage to even co-ordinate this myself. He had drawn up a timetable of drugs taken while we tried to tackle the pain. A couple of times we had the emergency nurse team come out at night to inject further pain meds that I couldnt administer myself as the pain was too much to bare. I couldnt see the light.

Nothing seemed to be working and this torture lasted a full 5 weeks. It was a bloody nightmare and beyond torture on a daily basis on another level. However, I felt I wasn’t being listened to. I didn’t think painkillers were the answer we needed to know what was going on and especially because it was radiating from the liver. It’s all well and good taking a million frikkin pills that don’t work but my agenda was trying to find out why I had the pain in the first place. Eventually…….eventually my voice was heard and my scan was brought forward. I shouted even louder and my scan was brought even further forward. This whole episode shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did and I just suffered through it.

At this point I was scared for my life I was in so much pain I was getting through my days hour-by-hour. My mental health took a battering I lost all of my weight and muscles and got to the point where I struggled to get out of bed or walk even around the house, shower, eat….. basically function. Gurveer was carrying me through my days.

The regimen I was on was immunotherapy every 3 weeks. I was quite disappointed because I had friends work with me to get my immunotherapy funded directly from the pharma company. It took time to set up and we did it….. but for me it didn’t last as long as I had hoped. So I had to stop it really abrubtly. Because of this stupid corona rubbish everything was done over the phone with my oncologist and I also found this very challenging.

I’m now on chemo again every 2 weeks. 2 weeks is not reasonable at all. I do bloods every 2 weeks. I am in for 4 hours on the day, and then take a pump home with me attached to my port for another 48 hours. Gurv has trained on how to remove it so that I can avoid a further visit to the hosp. This messed with my head even more but I did cycle 3 today so I’ve calmed down a bit.

This is me plopped on the sofa till this damn thing is removed.

My mental state has taken a proper battering. I did loose my positivity and strength and its quite a task to build yourself back up. My pain has stopped. Ive had an array of panic attacks and now on anxiety meds which are helping. The anti depressants have been at the pharmacy for 2 weeks….. Ive not collected them yet……

So there it is that is where I have been or not been. I hope everyone is safe and well and I will try and reach out or at least answer people when they have texted me. Anyone who has anything helping with mental health, feel free to reach out cos I think everyone is suffering in lockdown to an extent

The last couple of days I have started to progress to finding the help that I need. I have managed to get my accupuncture as an emergency case and reached out for some online therapy so today the universe gave me the strength to get words out onto paper!

I’d say I’m ok…. well I’m not ok but as ok as one can be in this situation. I dont want folk feeling sorry for me. It feels good to release and connect with friends again. I need strength and positivity to help climb out of this rut that I have got myself into. It is what it is and I am powering on. I have come this far…….. I have risen before and I will bloody well rise again.

I am still grateful for everything I do have, my beautiful boys, my amazing husband and the flowers in my garden. I just love sitting in the sun on my lounger for an hour a day just staring at the sky and resting. My sisters who I emergency called over during lockdown, my lovely friends who keep checking in with me. Of course Leena bringing us food although she slacked off last week !!!!!

Here is the knitted blanket I am working on when I can for my precious Amar x

And here are the strawberries I picked yesterday !
And here are the flowers cheering me up each day !!

36 thoughts on “Here I am……

    1. Love you too and your fantastic spirit and beaming smile. Please do visit if you can, the boys miss you too. This bloody covid…… the first place I am going with the boys as soon as we can is the hamstead creperie!!! I promised the kids so pretty much any day now….. Ill send you a video of us devouring them xxx

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  1. My wonderful Sal
    You are being so strong and you have a very powerful network with Gurv, the boys, your family and friends. You are amazing and sending you all my love xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Sal
    So sorry to read about that pain. I’m so glad you were finally listened to and each day is better. 🤗

    That blanket looks amazing btw, mum tried to teach me to knit but I can safely say I’m in Miss Revells dunce class for that too 😂

    Enjoy your crepes Sal, love the Hampstead creperie mmm

    Love and hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That just made me laugh Ang !!! Thanks for reaching out!! Im just here adding and adding squares n stitching them on….. it might end up being super king size by the time Im done!!!! My boy will be swamped !!!

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  3. Madame! Seeing your blog notification lifted my heart! I’m so sorry it has been so rough on you. All I can do is send you lots of love and hugs from Caro and I. Looking forward to your next post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It took me some time but the spirits were telling me to keep writing and it has lifted me and today will be good cos I am distracted by all my friends checking in x
      Hope you and Caro are good….much love x

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  4. Hey Sal,
    So sorry to hear of the dreadful pain you’ve experienced, but with your strength and determination I am glad you have made yourself heard and have some control over it now.
    A green fingered, knitting, blogger, more talents to add to the finger bending/eyelid flipping of primary days!

    Sending you lots of love, positivity and great big virtual hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol….. how do you all remember all this stuff!!! School was just one big comedy show!!!! I do love our school memories, still cracks me up every time i think about it. Thank you for reaching out….. I hope you are keeping well x
      Corona needs to eff off now!

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  5. I bloody knew it! I knew you were sloping more than you were telling me. I don’t blame you for wanting the extra space. When things feel unbearable it’s difficult enough to find the energy to function so replying to messages with detail falls to the bottom of the list as it feels like a chore. I won’t pretend to know exactly how you feel but my even though we’re about to speak my heart aches for the suffering you are experiencing. You always manage to rise and dust yourself off no matter what but I feel that this time has been different for you, frustrating for others as they couldn’t just turn up to sit with you and make you laugh. The Covid quicksand held everyone back and it sounds like you were drowning which must be a devastating feeling…. but here you are again imagining the light and rising once again. You and your superpowers being reignited. So proud of you Sal 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was nicely summed up Sam and not to long arsed. Its exactly what happened but yes swiftly moving forward now. I am a pro at all this so just need to keep plodding on like a warrior xxx Stupid covid needs to do one now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. First off , I’m surprised there’s room for me to write after someone’s ‘long arse’ message … made you smile!

    I may not have known you long and this horrible journey may have thrown us together but I am grateful that it has.

    I see a lady who even in her darkest days puts others first and even now is worried that we may be worried! Your determination to be heard and receive the treatment you need is inspirational! I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain, I know I can’t take it away, but always available to give you smiles and make you laugh with my welsh chattering!

    We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have bad days but you have shown time and time again that small steps to have something bright in our day plays a massive part in our mental health.

    I may be miles away but always here for you. Big knickers and all 🤪

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are a lovely support Michelle with you big smiles! I look at you and try smiling but mine has got lost somewhere! I plod on day by day….. and lost so much weight that big knickers just wouldnt work for me right now 🤣

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  7. Hi Sal, So good to hear from you but not to hear of the terrible pain you have been experiencing. You are truly amazing how you pull yourself out of the darkest days. Self isolation is a doddle to what you have endured for the last 5 weeks. Well done too to Gurveer and your lovely boys! Glad you are able to now have a bit of respite from the pain.
    Sending you much love, and hope that the meds will get everything back on an even keel xxx😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Shirley, was a pretty rough ride but we are over the worst and not looking back. Everything crossed for treatment going forward x I hope you are managing with lockdown… its pretty tough for this length of time x

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  8. Hi Sal,

    I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough time. As always, your resilience is once again shining through. You’ve always been one of life’s gems and I hope people’s words help your mind heal from the horrendous few weeks you’ve had.
    I’m missing you kicking my arse on Words!
    We’re all thinking of you and praying for you. Big hugs wonderful lady xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So so glad to hear from you! Truly a super woman… even though life has thrown you more than your share of pain.

    You go Sal! Prayers and best wishes to you and yours 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Komal. Im missing all the QE concerts…. they used to lift me each month. Im keeping up with Friday lockdown concerts but a real live one would be good right now!

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  10. Very happy to see a post from you. You have truly endured the worst of lockdown with the pain you’ve been in. But you’ve shown true resilience and determination and your positivity is simply amazing. Thank you for once again sharing your positivity.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My lovely Beautiful friend Sal,
    I so happy to see a post, you are such a brave person I know we will go through this I can wait to see you. I love Amer’s blanket.
    Is my scarf ready? I am gonna come to pick it up.
    I love your flowers and the strawberry it looks yamm.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My lovely Beautiful friend Sal,
    I so happy to see a post, you are such a brave person I know we will go through this I can wait to see you. I love Amer’s blanket.
    Is my scarf ready? I am gonna come to pick it up.
    I love your flowers and the strawberry it looks yamm.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear Selomi, we will go to Slovenia again one day soon! I have nearky finished your scarf. You can come next week if you bring me some of your lovely soup xxx

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  13. So good to hear from you again Sal😘 I can’t imagine what you have been going through but no matter what it throws at you, you get back up. You blow my mind🤯
    Thought we could sit in the garden again and chill 🌹🌸👭🌻🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hey Sal, I’ve been wondering how you are and came onto your blog to find out! Wow, what an awful time. Glad your enjoying the sun, flowers and strawberries. Are you journaling? I’m sure you do meditation already. Sending love, happy thoughts and best wishes. Thinking of you and stay strong Hard kaur!!! Love Amneet 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hi, I’m new to this group, having being diagnosed in early December 2019. I
    Wondered whether we would get get in touch and talk? I’m a 42 mum of 1 boy, living in south east London. I’ve successfully buried my head in the sand I would say but would really like to engage with someone of a similar age, obv going through the same thing. If you would be agreeable to speak, can you let me known and I’ll get you my contact details. I’m on insta as Siobhan Willoughby if that helps? Thanks again, Siobhan

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Im the same, are u on facebook? Im Sal Cheema on facebook, there is a private group for this in particular and a wealth of information and support. I can direct you there too xxx

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