Now there are two ‘c’ words……

Before I tackle the c words…… where am I now? Well, to be honest, I’ve been in chronic, chronic pain for a few days…. weekend was particularly bad. On round the clock painkillers all weekend, heat pads, hot water bottle and hot baths. I’m just managing with few ‘ok’ hours in between but when its bad its really bad. Its constant. If I didn’t have so much pain, I think I’d be ok right now.

Pain is mostly in my back radiating from liver side. Something might be pushing on a nerve or something but it is doing my head in and adding a littke to my stress levels. Its not muscle or bone…. I know that……after a while you just know. Its intense, radiating out…..and flitting all over… so frustrating.

Trying my best to distract myself and breathe through it and frankly just need it to break for a day! I had to go get my bloods done today so I have stocked up on further pain meds and asked for a referral to the pain management clinic. I tried my best but I need some more help now…. its not worth being in this much pain constantly if there is something that can be done. I’m just weary of taking anything new and the extra drama it can lead to.

Saying all this, I have managed to be out in the sun, it really has been glorious. I am really relaxed at home and taking it slowly and enjoying my boys. Doing tiny bits in the garden, 20 mins at a time just to feel excited with spring really!!!

My mummys day on sunday was just perfect….. had the kids looking after me, a scrummy lie in, brekko in bed, flowers, scones and afternoon tea made for me! Spent most of the day in the garden….. I couldnt have asked for anything more!!

The hospital was different today, so quiet, an eerie feeling, not too much banter, all respecting the 2 meter rule, temperature taken on entry. Got my bloods done ready for next cycle and collected all my meds so I don’t need to keep popping back….. that was my panic buying!!!

So now, the two ‘c’ words. I was scared but I am ok I think. Trying not to panic and just stay safe and away from other humans!! There is an added risk and the thought of getting anything else worries me as my body is strong but how strong to tackle anything new?

I am more worried going forward, if change in treatment is needed, if appointments are delayed, if I get any worse. I really need to stay stable for a year now until all this dies down and the risk is lessened.

I am more concerned about friends with cancer and respiratory issues and everyone having to isolate for 12 weeks. This is not going to magically disappear at the 12 week mark. This puts us all into a further risk category now and this is not going to go away in a hurry.

However, my friends are all taking this seriously and taking all the necessary measures to keep in a safe environment. I really don’t get the moaners at all!!! We need to step back and yhink. You are getting a break from the normal slog of life and most are not in pain and don’t have cancer/heart trouble/kidney disease blah blah and not risking it on the front line treating patients and then finding it difficult to spend time with your loved ones!! We are not far into this yet at all….. this is going to go on a while so lets just get on with it and embrace the nice weather.

I do understand, I get it, folk have anxieties, these is not a normal situation, I believe mental health will go crazy during and after this pandemic but instead of thinking about what you can’t do…… think about what you can do. Stressing and worry won’t help so don’t waste precious time on it at all…… trust an expert !! All the extra time for you for the kids, to spend on your house and garden, chatting on the phone, making up games with the kiddos. Just embrace it and keep well is the main priority here.

Some folk are coping through this alone and that is tough especially with no known time frame. Just count your blessings every day and keep reminding yourself of everything you have. These worries, stresses, anxieties, fears, unsettling……. this is how a cancer patient/many patients lives on a daily basis for life.

On another note, by some miracle, I managed to get a precious online delivery slot with sainsburys and had my shopping delivered this evening and pretty much all of it came!! Spoke to the driver and he said most folk panic bought 40 crates worth, then realised they weren’t rhinos and didn’t need thst much food so started to cancel other slots…… greedy %$#@#$%!!! I think I just logged on at the right time. I’m probably good for 7 days now so dont need to run out for anything, minimise our risk as much as possible.

So much love from friends and family and messages of concern. I am feeling the love and am extremely grateful. I am really ok as long as the sun keeps shining on us…..and my garden flourishes!!! Just love it!!! Think we are expecting a mini heatwave….. long may it continue!

So now….. UK is in complete lockdown, we need to heal the earth….. we can do this, let’s hope the sun keeps shining on us and everyone stays as safe as can be x