Five years ago, I wrote something to express my feelings. In those days I never shared. I just wrote to release my stress. There are good days and there are bad. There are scary days and there are strong days. One day five years ago, I was consumed by my cancer and I wrote this:
Five years later, I feel tired of cancer so I wrote this:
I want to wake up without a care in the world. I don’t want the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I want to go for a brisk walk in the park. I don’t want to be scared of the cold aching my bones.
I want to have a bath with candles, bubbles and creams. I don’t to worry about what harmful chemicals might enter my body.
I want to plan my next holiday in Easter with the kids. I don’t want to worry how I will manage and if my body can cope on a flight.
I want to eat free and enjoy the food all around us. I don’t want to worry about every ingredient and if it can fuel my cancer.
I want to chat and laugh with my friends about everyday life. I don’t want every conversation to include the state of my health.
I want to smile simply like I used to smile. I don’t want a thousand other feelings running behind and through my head.
I want my phonebook to be full of friends, gardeners, decorators and the like. I don’t want it full of therapists, healers and support groups.
I want to wake up each day and breathe and feel the beauty of life. I don’t want to wake up and think how soon I can get back into bed.
I want to colour and craft because I just love creating. I don’t want to knit just to distract from anxiety.
I want to wake up tired because of a big night out. I don’t want to be knackered because of all the drugs I have to take.
I want my belly to hurt because I was laughing to hard. I don’t want a stomach ache from my cancer and the medications.
I want to run around and play badminton with my kids. I don’t want to miss out on precious time as I am scared of doing too much.
I want back ache because I planted all my spring bulbs in the garden. I don’t want my back to ache from a ten minute indoor walk.
I wan’t to just read for the sake of just reading. I don’t want everything I read to be about medical research and cancer.
I want to help others as it gives me pleasure and contentment. I don’t want to feel like we are all hanging on for dear life.
I don’t actually want that much from life. I just don’t want cancer.