Woohooo!!!! I made it !!!
I don’t wanna say that I didn’t think I’d see the day but, well….. Jan was a close call. But I’m here, fighting for my life on a daily basis and defying the odds and for that, I am grateful to my body…. really!!! I do think bodies are amazing and how they work, every cell, vein, bone…. all of it. Mine particularly, it is made from some really strong stuff and is fighting and fighting its way through this. My body has taken a very harsh battering over and over so every few days, I look down at myself and give myself a cheer and say Thank You. Been through some tough times that I can’t even describe but pulling through and keeping me going. I’ll keep fighting strong as best I can to see my boys grow up and be around for them.
I am taking life at a very slow pace. I feel like I have lived and lived well!! I have done the whole going out scene, the late weekends, the dancing……. in my head I have fast forwarded everything! I’ve had my kids, got my home, blessed in many ways….. I don’t want for anything and I feel like I have retired mentally! I am working a little when I can but at my own pace, mainly so I can pay for my hefty alternate treatments and also go on nice holidays with the kids. I am not done with that yet!! That is the only thing I want to do. Just lay flat on a nice warm beach in the sun, swim in the sea and spend time with my boys. All 3 of them, my carers. I don’t want the burden to fall on Gurveer so when I can, I do!
I am enjoying being at home, comfy in my bed, watching tv and doing the simple things in life. I bought loads of comfy clothes last year and making good use of them now!! I am enjoying quality time with the kids and Gurveer. I know I’m physically struggling here and there and this last bout nearly threw me over the edge and yes, I am still recovering…..but when not in pain, I am quite content with life and where I am. Obviously, I’d rather not have stupid cancer hanging over my head like a rope to my neck but hey….. this is my path and I have no choice but to put my best shoes on and toddle on down it.
Look at Kobe and 13 year old Gigi…… no cancer, blessed with fitness, fame and fortune and just gone within a minute. I believe your path is laid out for you and you cant change that. Its one of the reasons I believe I am still alive.
I had breast cancer in 2013 but I didn’t die from it. Some of you know, I had a terrible terrible car accident on the motorway on 11th Jan 2017 when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and we were awaiting her results. I had too much going on in my head and lost control on the way to work and wrote off my car…..all the air bags went off in the car but I walked away without a scratch.
And now, stupid bile duct. How did I even find it? It was a stroke of luck that I visited my gp in Aug 2017. Just for the sake of my rattling knees….. no other reason. I don’t even go to the gp ever….. even now!!!! I don’t know why I went that day…… but that day is the reason, I am here today.
From that day to this…..Aug 2017, Aug 2018, Aug 2019…….. I know many of you will have read the stats on this cancer………
I am now armed with research and knowledge, I read and read and research and listen and I don’t ever stop. My medical team are researching constantly and keeping up with the latest research and new trials that are coming out. My oncologist is at the top of his game and does everything in his power to keep his patients in the best and latest treatment, travelling all over the world to attend all of the cholangio conferences worldwide. My nurses keeping a close eye to make sure my pain and symptoms are managable and under control.
I learn every day, I jiggle around my pain meds and restricted diet, herbal teas and detox baths. I try new things. I am doing as much as can to keep my body strong, pain free and detoxed so it can do the job it needs to do. I sleep well to let my body heal. I believe in conventional medicine but I also believe the body and mind needs a lot more alongside to cope with the strain on the body from the drugs I have to take. I have my faith and I pray every day and for that reason, my mind is strong like titanium! My body fighting this beast like a lion and I march on.
I lost my dear friend Selina recently, who I also met at the AMMF conference last year. Her celebration of life is today as she has so much love for everyone. She had just had her 40th birthday. I called her our positive princess as that was just what she was. Sleep peacefully beautiful Selina, I think about you all the time and how strong you were despite everything that was going on. I miss our little chats 💜💜💜
On another note, one of my favourite things last week….. Often, I get one of the boys to tuck me into bed!!! Well…. come on, I’ve got this beast, I may aswell take advantage sometimes!! There is a thing…. I put 2 pillows at a right angle with each other, lay my weary head in the middle, hot water bottle on my back, duvet up to my neck and this gorgeous crocheted blanket made by my lovely, kind hearted Jacqui Fox, over the top of me. The blanket weighs down on me and then I barely move till morning or for an hour if having an afternoon nap and I sleep so well!
The other night, I beaconed out…..like a kid….. “Someone needs to tuck me in” !!! Suraj and Amar both came running. I think Gurv was running too but was behind the boys!! Suraj grabbed a blanket and said ‘Ok mummy’!! Amar comes marching like a boss, elbows out and tells Suraj, ‘Move vee, you dont know how to do it, I do this every day”. (Veer means brother in punjabi).
My heart melted, they are both lovely caring boys but yes, Amar does often tuck me in as he finishes school early and arrives home at 3pm when I sometimes have my afternoon nap and a fine job he does too !!
So there it is, I’ve reached 43 and hope to reach 53 one day. Sooner rather than later would be just great. My famalam keeping me going every step of the way for which I am grateful. As a mum, I really couldn’t ask for anything more x
Happy Birthday to me 💜💜💜💜💜