A very harsh week….

A beautiful lady named Cristina found my story through my instagram. Cristina was from Milano, Italy. We exchanged stories and then became good friends supporting each other through scans and hospital days. There was much love shared through this support……. since we barely knew each other and yet connected through such strong and desperate times. Our friendship grew on wassap where we exchanged pictures too Cristina was 52.

Cristina said “You remind me of an Indian princess of a Sandokan story!!!!” And we giggled when I told her I felt like an 80 year old woman! Cristina recently had a fever and was in hospital for over a week. Every day, I’d wake up and messsage her and make her smile.

The day of the conference last week, Cristina’s son called and then messaged me to let me know that my friend was no longer with us.

My dear friend Cristina. Thank you for sharing your last few months with me with so much love x

At the AMMF conference in May, I met a few friends. Women my age, with young children with whom I could relate and share stories with. A means of support, friends on the same journey.

Amongst others, there was Hayley, Diana and Alexa.

I connected well with Alexa! We were exploring a lot of hollistic treatments and exchanged experiences of what we had researched. It was too interesting so we called each other instead of just texting! Alexa, recently went to China for Qi Gong, a trip to get away from everything! Alexa encouraged me to travel to Slovenia for my break which I was hesitating over! We both returned and updated each other on our trips.

Last week, we lost Diana, Alexa and then Hayley. Alexa wasn’t supposed to die….. I was just talking to her…… it seems like she was taken in an instant.

Above: Alexa, Hayley and me. How life can change so quickly.

Alexa, I will miss our chats, you lived life in your own terms, I loved your spirit x

Through my cholangio group, I met Anne! Anne was from Memphis and a brilliant friend. We were chemo sisters. All our chemo treatments and scans all coordinated. Even our chemo breaks just matched up!! Every treatment we would message and exchange pictures of our lunches! We even colour coordinated one day and exchanged pics!! We just had a bit of fun being on this journey together.

We spoke on the phone and said one day we would meet and offered each other a place to stay in each others homes.

Anne has 3 beautiful children, her eldest daughter just 9. We exchanged kid and school stories too. About a week ago, Anne didn’t respond to any of my messages and I became worried. Anne had messaged prior to this to say her situation had become critical.

I messaged every other day regardless but never heard a response.

On Friday night, I lost my dear friend and chemo sister Anne. Dear Anne, I still can’t believe you have gone. A beautiful soul, I pray for your gorgeous family and I pray that you are at peace. Fly high beautiful x

Needless to say, I barely slept on Friday night. A bolt of thunder echoed through my body and I was finding it all extremely hard to deal with. I prayed all through and I got through the night.

I dropped my kids to a friend on saturday for the day and I sat quiet and slept. My heart inside crying but no tears fell. A really heavy day but it is all part of this journey that has been chosen for me.

Cristina, Alexa and Anne weren’t just facebook friends. We had connected beyond that. Chatting every few days. Supporting each other. Dragging each other through some harsh stuff.

Within a matter of days, my friends had all passed. All in the same week. How harsh? 8 small children between them left without a mum.

A few terrible days consumed by sadness and despair. The reality hitting so harsh. 5 friends to lose in such a short space of time is just ….. there are no words to describe it.

I had two friends birthdays this weekend. They are both good mates so I went along and happy to mark the occasion with them. Happy to be there, knowing how important each and every precious day is. I will not let this beast have the control over my life. The distraction helped in short bursts over the evenings.

I watched friends, mingle, drink, engage in conversation, I was there but not there. I didn’t feel like having a big fun evening so just sat amongst friends. No-one knowing what was actually going through my mind.

I could have stayed at home and cried but to what avail.

I have to be strong and carry on. I have to work past this. I am living in a different world and a different life to most and I accept that. There are tough days and even tougher days but there are precious times in between.

I need to keep my faith and my confidence. I need to fight this fight. I am here today and need to be strong for my family, for Suraj and Amar. I am grateful for each precious day and there aren’t many days that I am not reminded of this.

A harsh week but there have been many…….. I have to deal with the harshness and march on……this is my life now.