Chemo Anxiety

I don’t usually get anxious as such…. like really panic… like when you can’t control it. I have various things that I can do to control it and my day literally will revolve around not being anxious!!!!

This weekend, more sh1t happened. I had to start these chemo tabs. Everything weighed me down a bit. A friend asked if she could have the kids over on saturday…….. she didn’t know I’d reply with …. can you just have them for a sleepover and drop them to me on sunday!!! She was more than happy and so were the kids.

I have issues with taking tabs at the best of times, now, 8 chemo tabs, steroids, antisickness, uric acid prevention tabs, 2 types of sleep tabs ….. blah blah….. I needed to just sit in one place and timetable it all out. Can’t take chemo either side of food for an hour so that’s like 4 hours accounted for. Other tabs need to slot around.

I was taking something to protect my stomach lining from all the tabs but that will interfere with chemo so had to stop that…… my brain was getting fried.

So first day, I cautiously took the tabs and just waited it out. I think a lot was in my mind so I just slept a lot to obliterate the day.

I was generally ok. Just bloody knackered. Scared to leave the house. Asked my sis to do the school run which worked out well as my second nap happened at pick up time!!!

My body will adjust and I should be fine bit just getting to that point. I put a message in my 2 cancer groups so like I’d say 4000 folk or more. I had 2……. TWO responses of folk taking the same drugs. I mentioned that they put together a protocol especially for my case. I will kick this cancers ass!! Watch me. However, no one else was taking what I was taking, everyone does herceptin every 3 weeks, I am doing a smaller dose weekly which is ok….. but my thursday to thursday is just that….. hospital day….. every week. How long for, we dont know yet.

Then chemo tabs daily, my friend was taking 4 a day, another person, 4 a day…… me 8 of them and I’m the one with the mental block with tablets…… and I’m only little. Ive lost 4kg as well so where are all these tabs going.

Anyway, anxiety kicked in a bit. I need to not loose the plot now….. need to keep it together and I will. Extra throat therapy this week!!! Its a distraction, various people messaging me. I’m keeping busy, cleaned my car earlier…… actually did something apart from sleep and look out of the window!!

So yeah, yesterday, another friend asked if we’d like to go to the spa. I haven’t managed spa so far, I can’t do the heat any more and all of it, it pounds on my chest a bit and I was afraid if I’d manage but anyway, me and Gurv went very local as if anything happened, we could get home quickly.

It was succchhhhhh a loooovvveeelllyyy day. A 3 hr spa day turned into 7 hours. We both needed time out. We just sat, and sat and swinged, and lay around just staring at the sky, chatting, laying, resting. At one point we sat in the jacuzzi for 2.5 hours!!!!!

I always said I wouldn’t do chemo for a third time….. but this is targeted. I need to keep my head in focus.

This is all I did for 7 hours!!!!

I almost had a panic attack on way home as I was feeling fragile but regained my focus.

It was such a lovely day, I decided to pour myself a glass a somehing bubbly……

Doesn’t it look amazing….. I was so desperate for drink, I thought today was the perfect day for it!! I just smelt it for a while, then literally dipped my tongue in the glass!!!! Took 2 sips snd gave Gurveer the rest!!!!!

After sleeping a little later and then waking up at 2am…… i threw some more pills down me and slept for about 12 hours I think.

I’m keeping distracted as best I can. I drove today and cleaned my car!!! Baby steps. I dont have much muscle tone so anything I do is like a trophy for me!!!!

Walking up the stairs tired me out. I am trying to put mind over matter and any day now, I may try a bit of muscle training. It has gone on too long.

Ok 9pm time for my “pills” !!! I hope everyone had a lovely weekend….. mine was special and precious !!!

Next week will be great……. x