I’m just here….. knitting away!!

Well how have I been…..? Horrendous!

Had a terrible week. Sick again, tired, scared, emotional, fear, pain…… all piled on top of me this week. There is just too much going on right now. Its just so damn tough.

Everyone is offering so much help, support, messages, food, helping with kids, I just sat on my bed and tears fell. An emotional week for many reasons. I just need to deal with it. I cant cry for long though as I am even too tired to cry. I felt like I was loosing my head to the cancer fog and I can’t afford to do that right now.

I am getting fed up and feels like my friends are getting fed up too in support. Like seriously….. cancer…. jog on…. let me get on. I am really done here….. we all are….. give us a pissing break already.

On monday, I tried to go into town. I just wanted to sit and have a coffee, not in my bedroom collapsed in a heap or hanging over the ceramic bowl. 20 mins in, I could barely stand or walk, exhausted and nauseated. I’d had an egg for breakfast….. boy did I see that egg for the next 5 hrs!!! Came home, sick, passed out for an hour, followed by a few more hrs of being sick. Managed to get it under control after calling an on call doctor from my local gp.

I was getting really down with it all. I can’t afford to lose weight now. My treatment goes up and down with my weight, I just need everything to be stable.

With that said and all the being sick, I just thought. Thats it! If I only have water for a day, I can starve whatever this is, make some space in my belly and start again. So Tuesday I starved myself and slept most of the day. Mostly drank water, maybe a few rice crispies in the morning. If I starve my cancer, how can it grow…… all this just rolling around in my head. What to do…. what to do ……. come on Sal…. you’ve got this.

It sort of worked. I’ve not been sick for 2 days. I have eaten ok today. Belly is behaving. I was about to lose my head with it all so more prayer and then I just sat in the sun when I was awake since we had some.

I think I’m ok now.

I tried to cook pasta yesterday, I failed!!

Amar came home, actually I did a school run all by myself to get Amar!!! Amar saw the goings on and decided to make a den in his room and just stay there !!!!

I went and got in the den too and just stayed there with him, we chatted for a bit!!!

Today, I went to town again…. I dont give up too easily. Did the uniform shop…. well socks and shirts which I hadn’t got around do sorting yet but done now….. go me! Found myself near the wool shop so got excited and bought me some new wool! Didn’t last too long and had to emergency stop to eat half a sandwich. Appetite was setting back in.

Spent the afternoon in the garden on my swing, knitting away. I need to keep my focus…. I need to keep my head in the right place and not lose it now.

It was a sunny day so I just sat and rested and knitted. Im ok….. happy just being and doing the simple things.

My sister came and spent the morning with me, then my friend dropped by and bought me some soup and chicken for the boys…..

Its a day off for Suraj tomorrow for inset day but I am not spending the day with him…. I will be in hospital in the morning for herceptin again so shifted Suraj around to a friends house for a sleepover this evening.

Im just asking folk for help now, I will shout, need to make every day as easy as possible, protect the kids from enduring all of this too.

We are doing ok……. tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m keeping my mind busy …… it all helps. I am painting too….. I’ll show you soon !!!