Once you are diagnosed with cancer, one of your immediate instincts is to protect your close family and friends. Protect them from the truth, try to not cause alarm and panic.
With recent events aka Lanyard gate, that most of you heard about via my facebook post, I was so flustered and managed to blurt out the word ‘incurable’ infront of my kids. I have never used such words so far. Suraj knows the facts and has used the words ‘life threatening’ himself to describe mum’s cancer. Amar is just a bit young still to fully accept what this is. The whole episode cos me a night’s sleep and therefore threw me completely off balance for two days but it is dealt with and its time to march on!
You have to have a mind of frikkin steel to deal with it all on a daily basis but my mind is just that…. titanium in fact!!!
Then my facebook post which seems to be doing the rounds now! The folk that aren’t following my blog which some of my friends aren’t, have suddenly been in shock that I quoted in black and white that my cancer is stage 4. I’ve had several visitors the very next day and a couple of calls…. to which I waggled my finger and said ahhh haaa so you are obviously not reading my blog are you???
I don’t want to push it on people. I think my friends will be my friends regardless of whether I have a bad cold, cancer or stage 4 cancer. Know what I mean!! I never wanted a pity party, tears or that shock reaction. It is what it is, we are dealing with it and friends are supporting us through it. I’ve got an entire army behind me. I really do, I feel loved.
Stage 4 to most people means something very sinister. Someone asked me this week if I was still being treated! Yes, of course I am!!!
Well, here it is, I have been a stage 4 since Oct last year. A whole year and I am still going strong. Mighty strong, I’d say!! It is not an immediate death sentence. I am not out of the woods yet but I am doing my damn hardest to get myself there and hey, so far, so good.
I am completely drained of a lot of my energy at the moment and knackered like a beast which does worry me, however, each day I muster up enough energy to do fun stuff…. you know like arrange a 12 hr relay!!!! Gurv is obviously very concerned now with it being so close, ok, I am too but I will have lots if people around me and I think with the buzz of the whole day, my legs will carry me for part if it at least.
I honestly thought I would be good by now and regardless, I will make my self good by sunday, I have some secret magic powers like that!!!! I may pay for it afterwards but hey, small price to pay.
I have wristbands, badges, my own Tshirts, tote bags and some leaflets about cholangiocarcinoma….. dont read it and be alarmed, I have passed some of those published stats already!
So all in all I am quite proud of myself and have had a massive response already. I will of course be getting samosas and pakoras to keep us going after lunch, some exrtra snacks, tea, coffee and water!! It is going to be an epic day and a big achievement for me so fingers crossed for strong legs on Sunday!!!
So yes, stage 4 but if anyone has got this, I have. Apart from being totally knackered and quite uncomfortable at night, I seem to be doing ok. I intend to batter this cancer with all the strength that I have. I intend to live each day to the fullest. I intend to travel and make fantastic memories with my kids and every extra day that I get is a bonus.
I am literally living for the day ahead and that day only. At this point, I can be forgiven for not looking too far ahead, one step at a time!
So sorry if I have caused alarm and upset close friends but this is exactly my point….. this has been exactly that for the last year and folk have seen my shenanigans over the last year, we have not been lacking in days out or holidays etc!
On another note, I gathered some strength and sent an email to Heathrow Airport yesterday, I have had a response to say they are looking into it but thats all so far. I will keep you all posted. I dont want to go into the whole drama of it all, I think it is more a lack of humanity more than anything. I have used my lanyard in Stansted, Gatwick and even Malta airport and had no issues whatsoever from passengers or staff. Just so sad that this is the society we live in. I just hope the 3 members of staff and all the hecklers that day see my story and just think next time. I shouldnt have had to justify myself but as one of my close friends so eloquently put it:
Behind what you may perceive may be happening could be a whole narrative that we just dont even know about.
Don’t judge, don’t assume, you never know what the person you are standing next to has had to deal with that day.
I’d say we need to be more caring and kind to each other but I don’t want to say that….. I’ve had nothing but kindness, love and support every step of the way from everyone around me.
Where these other warthogs appear from and try to ruin people’s day…. I just don’t know!