Each day and each week brings good days and bad days and terrible days! It is not easy to constantly pick yourself up of the floor while everyone carries on life around you. It takes time but I give myself the time I need. I know what I need and what I can and can’t do and really don’t push it. The weird part is watching everyone around me just getting on, carrying on with life, doing stuff that I used to do, being who I used to be.
After sporadic blows to the head or procedures, I have a few days of lying in a heap and then comes a turnaround day! The day, I feel a bit more human and ready to face the world again. I realised today that I had completely lost a day! I have been in a bit of a daze for 4 days, monday came and I forgot about yoga, Tuesday came and I forgot about my Reflexology appointment.
I had my nephews engagement this weekend…. and I needed to be there. I am the fave masi after all !!!! Shhh don’t tell the others!!!
I was there but not there! I did my best, showed up but my head in a daze from the general anasthetic and I was doped up on morphine….I didn’t take pics like I normally do!
Everyone partied until 3.30am but I retreated to bed at 11.30pm… that was as far as my weary self could manage!! I was dozing in and out and listening to the music and laughter and usual drunken partyness that was going on downstairs!!! Sounded like belly laughs but my belly wasn’t able to join in this time. I’d have probably fallen over, broken in half and ripped my neck wound open!!!
I returned from my sisters on Sunday evening and slept for severalteen hours!!! Had some rice crispies for dinner and slept some more!
I’ve had a lot of friends wanting to pop in!! Right now all I am doing is resting but its really nice to have the distraction and feel a bit normal and just forget for a bit! So anyone who says Can I come over? I’m like yeah!!! Come on over, this is where all the cool kids are!!
Neeta and Bhawna popped in Monday!! 8 kids between us!! It was great! I love a house full of kids, especially teeny ones…. I had a few cuddles!!
We had plans to go out. Those plans changed and we stayed at home and grabbed food in so everyone could relax without time restrictions including all 8 kids and me!!
I have had friends on the phone trying to visit, but look at busy me and my social calendar!!!
Yesterday I woke up and thought ok… I need to turn this around! Every day I think, yes today is the day I go for a big long walk, stretch me floppy muscles!!! In between my little naps, I had my lovely friend Selomi pop over with lunch.
I then had my yogi friend Bob pass through in between work jobs for a breather!! I provide the resting place, a good cup of herbal tea on the bench and some lively conversation!!!
Everyone is still working so hard and juggling school hols! Not me, I am sleeping a lot and kids are just propper dossing around without me nagging them….. I don’t really nag much, they are good kids! I took Suraj for a 20 minute walk and we had a good chat about life and working and appreciating what we have in front of us.
I hugged this tree and asked the universe to take my troubles away.
Some days I feel quite alone and a bit scared. Some days I just sleep. Some days are a blur and are wished away trying to get to the next one.
Yesterday, when my lovely consultant called, the one from Harley Street, and delivered some ‘prelimary news’, I just casually went ok, really appreciate you calling me instead of letting me dangle for 2 weeks! It was like he had called to let me know my sainsburys order was a bit delayed.
Instead of taking time to digest what he had said and start stressing over it, I just tossed it aside. Some days I muster all my strength and cancer doesn’t get to take over.
I shouted over to my dear friend Manu to pop along over and they did!!
That finished my evening off very well!
Needless to say, the consultant phonecall came to find me in the night and the tiredness of the day made me a quite unwell and unsettled over night. I had a terrible night but the best day yesterday and planning to have another best day today!!!
How can I feel alone with friends and family around me? How can I crumble with the support to hold me? How can I let cancer take over when everyone around me is praying and wishing it all away? I will forever hold a deep love for you all who have kept us going for the last two years. Its a rubbish and lengthy ride but most have you have stayed on it with me! Very few, but a few fell off the back of the train!!!
If anyone needs time out from a hectic shedule and a good listening ear, I have the perfect bench placed perfectly in the sun, surrounded by gorgeous flowers. My therapy bench and a hot herbal beverage will be offered!!