This is cancer….

I have really been trying, with all the efforts in the world, not to actually “have” cancer!! I’ve said before that I have not really experienced any symptoms from it exactly, only through chemo and boy that has properly knocked me over the head with a giant mallet and almost knocked my head off…. a few times.

Last chemo was 21st May, over 2 months ago and yet, I have not managed to return to my good self! If you saw me, you wouldn’t know. I don’t think I hide it as such but if I am unwell, I just don’t venture anywhere or move far from my home, my safe place, my place to rest! I do sit on my bench though, a lot, surrounded by my beautiful flowers! My neighbours and any dear friends join me for tea and general chit chat sometimes!!! I’m not actually hiding it but more not capable of doing anything so I just don’t.

Another way of seeing it…..maybe I do hide it for the biggest reason …. which are my gorgeous boys. I don’t want them to endure any more of this crap. We lost all of last summer, every single day of it, we ain’t loosing this one aswell.

This week, I have been in so much pain and so uncomfortable, I was going to write a different blog but still titled ‘This is cancer”. The bastard is proper pissing me off. Really, I have truly had enough. I can’t even write when I am that much in pain.

Am I now experiencing pain from my cancer? Surely this can’t still be lasting effects from chemo? I just don’t know right now.

I am seeing lots of people. I am looking for my Ivana in London. My schedule is quite crazy at the moment in terms of the various appointments I am exploring right now, something will click very soon or may have already…..and I wont stop until it does.

I seemed ok at the weekend and then went down drastically again since monday. By Thursday, I could not cope. People ask me if I’m ok….. I can’t explain it all but basically this was my Thursday sleeping pattern. Its upside down.

On Thursday, I had friends over. We had planned to go out for a nice lunch in Marlow and a long walk by the river but with the volcano weather, my pain and fatigue, we decided to not to move too far from my house.

Popped into town and had lunch. I barely managed to walk through town to get to a restaurant and just sat for lunch. My friend Bobbie needed to pop to TKMaxx!!! I got a little excited…. one of my fave shops!!! Love it!! All the weird stuff, unique pieces, one offs!!! I always find something there and you can buy clothing and be confident that when you go out, there wont be someone wearing it on the next table!!!

I digress….. I hobbled over to tkmaxx, very slowly and then sat outside on a stool, unable to walk at all and in chronic pain. We swiftly returned home.

In the process, I called upon a therapist and managed to get an appointment to see someone in Richmond. I went for a reflexology and reiki appointment treatment, so my 1hr 1min above was actually my appointment!!! I may have fallen asleep or been in such a state of deep relaxation that my fitbit thought I was asleep!!!

I’ll be honest, I felt absolutely terrible when I got home and just knocked out. Had dins and then lay like a potato in front of the tele till I fell asleep again.

I had a good sleep that night.

I had further therapy on Friday and went to the Gurdwara.

That brings me to today. I woke up and thought EFF THIS!

I need to be mobile. Its the kids holidays and I am wasting precious days. I got up and cleaned my conservatory. Well actually, it was a joint family effort but I did my bit by hoovering up 643 dead bugs!!! (I picked up the hoover…. this hasn’t happened in months). Parts of my house have just not had any attention for a really long time but this corner is sparkling now!!!

The Cheemas went out and watched Toy Story 4 followed by a nandos!!! Moi….. sat in the cinema for the entire time with no pain and managed to stay awake!!! I did cheat by having a real coffee. Along with everything else in my life I have given up, I havent had caffeine in months or maybe even a year, so it kept me going today!!!

I then dragged everyone to the tile shop and have chosen some new tiles for my conservatory!!! I have space in my head and a little wind beneath my wings.

I am having a sleepover with the kids in Suraj’s room cos I am a cool mum!!! Amar just had a sandwich and Suraj some toast!!! I put lights out at midnight, just giving me time to bring you this blog!

I have been struggling for weeks and weeks. If anyone knows suffering …. both hands up…. believe its me…. but today was a brilliant day!! Today I was me and we had a most precious family day out! My little pookies are asleep now so I must sleep too.

Nite nite x

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