Lack of blog….

So everyone asking me where my blog is. From my lack of blog you can assume some stuff has gone tits up!

Had my PET scan last monday. Got preliminary results the next day cos I pushed and pushed for a next day appointment. It was looking ok but needed a more in depth review.

After that review, and quite a few expert eyes, unfortunately we were told late last night that the bastard is still lurking. Bastard thing. We always knew it wouldn’t disappear completely but having to go through the motions, to repeat the words out loud, reiterate everything we already know…. it is just harsh.

The news could have been better but also could have been worse.

All a bit shite really and truly. The scans and waiting for news are the worst form of torture. Not knowing, thoughts running through your head, sleepless nights, in limbo….. coupled with I have still been feeling quite rough, I was reaching rock bottom.

Last night was tough to hear. I have to fast forward my rollercoaster emotions and deal with all this and I have learnt to do that pretty well now. I don’t have days and days to be sad and angry. We have a plan and I can’t snap my fingers and change anything. I can lie in a heap on the floor and cry but I dont have the strength and it is to no avail.

I need to keep my head in check as this burden I am carrying is not going to go away in a hurry. I need to grab life by the balls and just live it. Taking it just one day at a time. I can’t do more than that at the moment. People do comment on my strength and spirit. I have learnt to breathe away pain and practice being mindful. Just stopping to really breathe a few times a day. It helps. I do surprise myself sometimes. I pray a lot for strength, peace and healing and that is how I get through each day.

So bloods first and then a new biopsy and then we look into next line of treatment or joining a clinical trial. I am being fast tracked as much as possible so hopefully we will move quickly.

Needless to say Gurveer and I both took time off work today. After a quick visit to school for a coffee morning to see Amar’s year 6 project, we raced over to Hammersmith hospital for my bloods. Instead of coming straight home and feeling scared and lost…… we just popped along to Westfield. We wandered a bit, looking around but not really looking, speaking but not really saying. Sat down for some thai food and let a bit of it out then sat and had a coffee. Decided to get our strong heads on and march on….. so we popped into my fave shop and bought me a handbag!!!!

I think I deserved a little present!!

With all that said, I am taking myself off to a yoga retreat tomorrow morning. I will be spending 5 days in Slovenia with my monday yogis, giving me time to just digest everything that is going on. I really didn’t know if I could be without Gurv and the kids for 5 days but after little thinking, I am now looking forward to it.

It is all a bit last minute and I have just thrown all my hippy clothes into a carry on with enough underwear for the week. I don’t need stuff or not need stuff…. I just need to be and breathe……

I have never managed to get on a yoga retreat so I am just going with it. I have never been to Slovenia before so I am going now. I have never stayed in a mixed dorm before with 7 other yogis, a couple who I have never met but what the heck. I don’t know if I would be ok on my own so decided to hop into the dorm with the others and see what fun that brings. Either way, I have tabs, I will sleep through anything!

It is what it is……..