Chronic Back Pain

I’ve spent the last month dealing with chronic back pain!! It has been pretty bad at times and causing much disruption in my life. I’m not crazily panicking over it and overthinking what it could be although sometimes at night it does get me a bit!

The reason I am not freaking out is that it seems to be flitting around my back, upper, lower, neck, shoulders! I am very conscious of where the pain is and also I guess very sensitive to any changes I can see or feel in my body or on my skin. I am like my own walking science project!!

I think I am carrying a lot of the tension in my back…. it has to come out somewhere. I am like a mad woman on painkillers, hot baths, accupuncture, biofreeze, massage, electric blanket and lots of sleep. Anything for just a few hours relief.

This weekend was exceptionally bad so I rang select people who I knew would have a few ‘extras’ in their medicine cabinet to find out if anyone had stronger painkillers and I took them ….. after consulting my medical team of course. Them, I have on the other end of my phone day and night! I was unable to track down any sleeping tablets as I had run out and thought I’d be a hero and sleep like a fairy princess….. that didn’t happen!

Anyway I think I am at the other end of it now it seems. I am not pain free yet, quite stiff and exhausted but I managed to walk Amar across the road to school and get a little afternoon walk in!

But you spent 3 days at that lovely retreat.... I hear you say!! I did indeed!! I had a friend pick me up from home. We nattered all the way there and back with the heated seats on! In those 3 days, there was very little moving about. I was propped up with cushions on a recliner throughout the 3 days. Lovely garden walks were no more than 20 mins a time and painkillers consumed around the clock! Pictures don’t often show pain!

I feel a little frustrated as I should be ok by now! I don’t wish anything on anyone or question anything that is going on in my life! If I did, I am sure it would drive me mad! But seriously, I have done my fair share, someone else can have the back pain….. even back pain, I wouldn’t wish on anyone but you know what I mean!

I have barely left the house for anything other than necessity over the last month! Mainly, the whole getting ready process to make myself not look like one of the Adams family is enough to wear me down!!! Actually going out and sitting upright is a bit too much to contend with just yet!

So my big Friday night out! I popped to sainsburys with my neighbour! Very quickly did a small shop, enough that I could manage and then because I am a friendly person had a little banter with the young guy at the till while he bleeped my items through!! After a bit of a natter over the weather, he looked at me and said, “You look really really tired, like you just need to sleep for a few days”.

Me being me, and all real and hip with the whole cancer thing replied very casually with, “Yeah…I’ve actually got a stage 4 cancer, so having a bit of a time at the moment”. The poor guys face dropped and pretty much that was the end of the banter!!!! I tried to follow up with, but I’m really well and doing ok but it was too late!! I’d said the “c” word and noone likes to talk about cancer do they!!!

Well I do and I will carry on. As soon as we break the taboos and get real with it, we can smack it in the face and just Live Well with it!

Life is not amazing but I think I am doing pretty well under the circumstances. It is worth talking about to get folk out of the thick nasty grey fog that cancer brings and just dealing with it.

Anyway….. I had Suraj’s school fete on saturday. I went late, didn’t move much from the stall I was running….. and was dressed in 2 layers, a jumper and my arctic coat!!!!! It was quite the occasion!

I think that may have thrown me off balance a bit…. you know going out and trying to be normal and speak to folk other than my medical community!! I just couldn’t sit around any longer and just felt like doing something different….. being me!

So I didn’t blog about my back pain sooner…. it would have been a rant and frankly, I have been in too much pain to articulate sentences!! I’m trying to see the light! Good old Leena has kept us fed and we are at the point that if she doesn’t bring food over or text, we are all shocked like…. Where’s Leena today and have a little giggle over it!!!

My garden is flourishing!!! I REALLY NEED to just go out and potter and dig around but I know my limits!! It is doing pretty well on its own though!! I am quite pleased!!! I have to take close shots of it otherwise you can see all the weeds!!! This is all what has pretty much come up from last year!!!

The front of my house is like my Kew gardens!!! I don’t really need to go out much at the moment. I could sit there all day just admiring all the colours, breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds chirping away. From time to time wincing when a bee comes too close!!!

Enjoy nature.

Enjoy what is right in front of you.

Enjoy it each day.