Is it me you are looking for???
So right now, everything is in days and weeks. Everything is on a timeline. Me, my life, all of it fits into this schedule of next steps. I am awaiting a few dates to see if I can squeeze in a little family holiday before more chaos hits. The amount of times folks have asked if I have booked a summer holiday now that I have finished chemo.
NO…….haven’t booked any holidays. Sitting tight until my PET scan. Don’t really fancy loosing more money on holidays that I can’t go on and the way the last few summers have gone for me, I’m really not expecting anything great from this one either.
I am just sat here, the waiting part, limbo, currently no actual appointments in the diary. I am now being passed from my oncologist to another team. Once you finish chemo or treatment, a lot of patients will tell you that it is one of the hardest parts, the mental struggle. It is only now that you have time to process, to think about, what just happened, what is happening, what is to come in the future.
I felt this for two days, I know it only too well. This is the time they say to seek help. In 2013, after I’d finished treatment for breast cancer, I didn’t get any help. I wasn’t given this help on a plate and neither did I go and help myself. Did I need it…..maybe? I was just glad to be done with appointment after appointment that I decided to just sit quietly and move on as fast as I could. It took its toll on me.
So after 2 days of my head in a big fat spin, my good friend Manu, said we need a break! My face lit up but I replied with, I am exhausted, I cannot search or book anything but I am free!! Very late that evening, we were booked to get away for a few days in Bourmouth. A change of scenery, some fresh air, good family time and a welcome distraction!
We did air bnb! I’ve spent months looking at this but never booked anything. Its like netflix…you spend 2hrs searching and then it is too late to watch anything!!
It was very cool !! Staying in someone elses house…. a good lived in house tells a good story and this one held a lot…..
This house was fascinating! A very old Edwardian style house that retained a lot of its original features from tiny windows, fireplaces in every room and a butlers bell!! A true …. “Through the Keyhole” experience!!
Amar obviously spent 80% of his time just ringing this bell for his own amusement !!!!!
I’ve not done much in the UK as an adult. As kids growing up, we spent many weekends all over Wales, Alton Towers, Blackpool and the entire coast around the Wirral.
Bourmouth was quite something in terms of the beach! Although you couldn’t swim in the sea, the sand….. well you could have been in the Bahamas!!! I think we were very lucky with the weather too. The sun shining down turned the water turquoise!
Durdle Door, definately worth a visit! A bit of a steep way down and a bigger climb back up! I did struggle….. but I got there. For exactly 10 days after chemo, I was pretty chuffed with myself!!!
We visited a few places. On another day, I’d have been all over, exploring, seeking out different cliffs and climbs. This time, I landed on a beach and just lay there like a rock !!! Didn’t even play ball with the kids…..but they had company!
So got back and pretty much been laid up in bed again all weekend!! Maybe I overdid being a human and walking around.
How am I feeling? Truth of it is, I am battered, proper exhausted, my body feels wrecked. I have a day nap every day, even while away I was away and spend much of my evening lying flat in bed.
Am I bothered, no not really. Well a bit, anyone would be. I just wanna tidy up my garden. My wardrobe still in a mess, I daren’t go food shopping, that is way too much effort! I should get stronger very soon but I expected to feel better sooner. Am I beating myself up over it…. no! I’m just resting. Listening to my body. I will get there, I have been told by my onc to get myself better, build my strength up but even I know this will take time.
I need to get back to my juicing and eating a hundred vegetables a day!! Get those nutrients in. I need to sort my achy back out as it is currently my biggest issue every day and quite debilitating. I am mentally strong so I can cope with most of this, it is the physical pain that is just wearing me down. If I can just get on, I’m a happy Sal.
If anyone fancies sending me a nice vegetarian butler….. feel free!! I could do with someone else’s brain to do the work for me since mine is pretty fried.