I am back on the up again after another rough week. Well not sooooo rough but…
Tues – screwing over chemo on wed
Wed – pissed off cos of chemo
Thursday – Bed
Friday – Bed
Saturday – Bed
Sunday – Bed
Monday….. F*CK THIS !! I have stuff to do, got up had a shower and Im ready to take on the week and be a badass!
The entire week, I just could not get out of bed. My legs like dead weights. Too tired, just exhausted. Couldn’t be arsed to move, kids at school so I just stayed where I was. I didn’t really need to do anything at all…. I wasn’t much use to anyone so just stayed in the safety and cosiness of my lovely bed!!! It was too much effort to get up and not worth the pain and exhaustion that came with it so I thought sod it and didn’t bother!!
I pretty much think I am done with chemo now. I just can’t describe how it makes me feel…. physically….mentally… all of it. How many days I just hide and wish away. Not leave my 4 walls. Ignore the kids all day. Miss another bank holiday, another half term, another 3 weeks feeling like a pile of crap…. yeah… I’m done. I very much doubt I will make it to the next session. This girl needs a break. Don’t care how close I am! I am going to have to be dragged there if at all! My poor little boys just lying with me in my bed watching tv, taking turns to massage mums legs and feet because I’ve turned into an ice block because of this stupid weather.
Gurveer bringing all my meals and drinks, to my bedside cos I just can’t be arsed to move. Nothing tastes right and I am badly struggling with liquids, I’d rather just not eat and probably wouldn’t if Gurv wasnt feeding me every few hours. He is exhausted, I am exhausted….
To add to all of this…. I have my cholangio friends on facebook. We all cheer each other on day and night. I may have mentioned already, most of them are spread all over the USA so we pretty much have the group covered 24 hrs a day.
So yesterday… I tried to make everyone laugh with my bad humour….. and we all had a chuckle!! Cancer folk have their own really bad jokes going on!!
I admitted then that I actually had both cancers…. then another lady piped up and said she did too…. so we did an emojical high five !!!
Then another lady piped up and admitted she had BC too…. and another and another and another until WTAF….. 7 of us SOOOOO FAR. All had breast cancer, all had treatment and then oh all of a sudden all developed one of the rarest cancers within a few years of original diagnosis.
I’m not going to go into one about this but I’m keeping my eyes and ears open and will take this “finding” with me now. So the treatment for my breast cancer…. was it successful? Or did it just destroy my immune system, did it cause further genetic mutations and leave me where I am now…. up shit creek…..
It was actually one of the first questions I was asked about when this diagnosis came about. Something about if I had any problems with my radiotherapy. I said and thought no, it all went to plan but now I am not so sure.
What next, do I just sit back and live with this threat just dangling over me for life. I’m done with chemo! I struggled to digest all of this yesterday so had to reach back for my sleeping tabs!! I was doing soo well!
I need to speak to my team now and see where to go next…. I have a rough plan in my head but what do I know!!!
Anyone need wine yet!!
It was exactly 6 years ago, this May bank holiday weekend, I said goodbye to the life I knew.
This, the last picture I took where I had a free mind ! When I knew what it was like to feel happy, like really deep down, just happy. Only I know the feeling that I lost that day…… and I almost got it back in between for a year, almost! My 40th year. Started off quite rough but it sorted itself slightly… then all went tits up again. I don’t look back, it is not the way I am going…. I do keep pulling on forward but certain days just grab me by the neck and try to ping me in the wrong direction !
I have a lot going on this month……I am literally taking it one day at a time !
Bought swing ball for the kids this week!! Keeping it real!! They have spent a lot of time playing and giggling, trying to bash that ball into each other !!!! As long as they are happy…. I am happy! For each day…. that is actually all that matters!