Cancer is fear, darkness, loneliness and uncertainty. Cancer is constant pain both physically and mentally. Sadness and hopelessness. Sleepless nights, night after night unable to get a routine. Cancer is just existing, not being a proper wife, mum or friend. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the next day, the next scan, the next consultation. Infusions, tablets, tablets, tablets. Waiting for friends to call, visit or have time for tea. Friends avoiding, afraid to reach out, afraid to talk, forgotten who the real Sal is…..hey…. just a normal person over here!! Waiting for kids to return from school to break up the silence of that day. Scars, black eyes and a tired body. Fatigue, exhaustion and sorrow. Dragging myself to reach the next day. Damn all this waiting. Damn you cancer.
On another day…….
Cancer is strength, fight and courage. Prayer and meditation, peace and gratefulness. Waking up and being alive. Stretching, hot baths, blankets and box sets. More movie days and duvet days!! Sleeping, lots of sleeping. Extra cuddles, extra kisses. Being spontaneous, seizing the day. Treating yourself, being treated, feeling loved and cared for. Friends knowing what to say, not scared to call or drop in for tea. Meeting up and having a giggle. Inspiring others, helping others whilst ignoring your own problems. Days out, meals out, walking in the park. Meeting new people in walks of life you would never just meet. Having fellow “warriors” across the globe you can call on day or night. A hospital team you can trust, they’ve got my back. Friends, old school friends reaching out, sharing the deepest and darkest of thoughts. Being able to lean on each other. Clarity. Seeing life and people from another angle. Making every desision clearly and easily. Life and everything in it became simpler, cancer being the only complexity.
Up yours cancer, I think you’ve given me more than you dared to strip away.
Laterz ……. I’m off to find me a jacuzzi !!
Happy Birthday Dear Dad xxx