This is just Dopey!

“Mum how come you are having all this treatment and going to hospital every 5 minutes and some people just have nothing. This is so unfair. This is just dopey”

These were the last words my precious little Amar uttered as a 10 year old as we cuddled up in his bed last night. The night before his 11th birthday today! All I could answer was, “I don’t know Amar!!” I was going to go into one about how all the murderers, thieves and rapists are all on drugs keeping their cancers at bay but thought I’d spare poor little Amar my deepest thoughts since it was late and nearly his birthday!!

Chemo was Tuesday, I did ok, seemed to be fine. Wednesday was fine, managed to make my famalam a big hearty meal which was good! Thursday and Friday, I slept a lot but sleeping is healing! A lot means 11 hrs at night and a few small naps in the time that was left and bloody knackered and feeling like crap for the small remainder of the day.

So another 2 days feeling like utter trash. How much more can I endure? How much more do I need to suffer in pain? Passing the days, just to get to the next. To the next chemo, to the next scan, to the next good day. When you are in that absolutely knackered state, its hard to see out of the grey, hard to see past the bad days. The grey skies and frozen temperatures not helping at all, I literally cannot leave the house in this weather. I really think I will just break into pieces. Thoughts are now running through my head like, is this all worth it? If I have to stay on this regime for more than 6 months, what quality of life is there?

Then literally it turns around and then I am like, ok, I did it. Another one behind me. Actually today, I shovelled in some steroids to pick me up and it did pick up a bit. I’m one day further from chemo, 1 day closer to next chemo…. blah blah…… whatever!!! Need to get to this scan and need some good results now.

My eldest Suraj also asked me at 6.30am this week, “Mum, after this treatment, you will be alright won’t you?”

“Yes of course dude, mum will be fine” and so I slept in Suraj’s bed for 2 nights to keep an eye on him and give him extra cuddles and when we both woke up at 4am, had a tiny natter, I held his hand and we went back to sleep.

So needless to say, its affecting all of us now. Kids are feeling the effects of this arduous “journey”. Gurveer is bloody knackered out of his brain cells but pushing through like a trooper looking after us all and ferrying everyone around to where they need to be and just doing everything. I’m just here going from one frikkin nap to the next and trying to move my limbs a bit inbetween.

Its birthday season in the Cheema household and everyone gets a meal out on their special day. A few get togethers, cousins arrive for sleepovers and its a little party for about a month. So the first meal out for Amar has been cancelled. I’ve not really got my act together and have no headspace to arrange anything but the kids are totally fine with all of this and happy just playing at home. So understanding and really not fussed. We have a chocolate chaos cake and I’ve got wholesale cousins to call on and save the day while I lay my weary bones back in bed.

Poor kids are just putting up with everything that is going on but having a good break at xmas really helped. It is not fair on them, they are dealing with a lot and I do wonder what effects it will have on them long term.

We are all trying our best and getting through this day by day but it is by no means easy in any way shape or form. Tomorrow is another day and I’m sure some of my positivity will force its way through somewhere. We will just keep riding the damn wave!

It is Amar’s birthday today but I got flowers to brighten up my day ! 5 years ago, I wondered if I’d even make it this far……..

Then this came on countdown……

Getting messages from every damn corner !!!