Today, a better day as yesterday was just terrible. Even though the sun was out I felt very low. Didn’t manage much at all, very uneventful. I think it has so much to do with the waiting, the not knowing. I’m making calls trying to get a secretary to call the hospital to set up my chemo. Not knowing when I will be able to start, not knowing what is going on inside my body, not being able to plan…. I’m just in limbo. I did reach out, I texted a few friends, made some plans…. just to pass a few minutes of that day to get to this one.
So today….. a better day! Sun is out but today I’m expecting the call from the hospital to schedule my chemo. So with just that, I managed a short walk in the morning. I felt well. Mentally, I was able to push some of my thoughts to the back of my mind using all my strength.
I worked the morning as best I could. Managed to concentrate for more than an hour. I am lucky I work from home and have some flexibility at the moment. It was now lunchtime, still no call. I decided to take matters in my own hands and call the hospital myself. Go me, I’ve scheduled my chemo for Tuesday and pre chemo on Friday in 2 days time. Right, immediately, some of the weight is lifted. My journey starts now. I have just 6 days left before months and months of treatment……
Feeling that little bit better and after receiving a text from my sis at lunch time, I decided to take the afternoon off and pop on out to lunch! Oh man! How I needed that change of scenery, to hear another persons stories rather than the voices in my head. I felt some of my worries lift, even just for a few minutes, it was worth it.
Returning home, I managed to cook a lovely meal! My bessies had been summoned yesterday and here they were. An evening yabbering with my two girlfriends and an 18 mnth old treasure! Took me back to when my own children were that age! Such a precious time when you spent most of the day singing, “The Wheels on the Bus” !! A good distraction for the evening.
By this time my poor Amar is looking all peaky…..temperature is rising. He spends the evening in bed and refuses food and this chappy never refuses food. As I lay in bed with him before he sleeps, my wee 10 year old is having a conversation with me about “cancer”.
“Mum, I shouldn’t breathe on you because you have your chemotherapy and if you get sick, it will all be a whole lot worse”
“Mum, you know your friend is coming tomorrow, she has breast cancer right? Is that the same as your cancer ir is yours a different one?”.
I answer Amar’s questions as best I can, such a sensitive and caring, beautiful soul. Love him to bits and want to squeeze and hug and protect him forever…….